Have you ever tried to tuck into a beautifully crafted Roast Dinner with all the trimmings, with a strange aroma of sweet stools floating across the mint sauce? Then you, my friend, are on to the latest diet craze – the extraordinarily effective appetite suppressant we call having children.
Having children can suppress your appetite on several easy, care free levels.
Firstly a newborn will not let you eat. It senses when a meal is near by and will demand your full attention and both hands.
Secondly, the Mac an’ Cheese you’ve prepared does not pair well with baby upchuck.
Another thing that can put you off your fajitas is a baby clamped to your bleeding nipples draining the calcium from you.
Now – when a child starts weaning they have the power to put you off all of your solid family favourites. My friend, once you’ve seen Lasagne, Cottage Pie, and, God forbid, Tuna Pasta Bake go through a human and re-enter the atmosphere an hour later in much the same form – trust me – those meals will not be a part of your weekly food diary again.
You will also be generally full already when your meal arrives because you have been tucking into disgusting leftovers strewn around your house – burnt ends of fish fingers, crusts from toast, peanut butter from the jar, cold beans, lurpack.
Ever had to scrape chilli con carne out of a child’s neck rolls? No more Old el Paso for me ta.
I can honestly say I haven’t fully enjoyed a Christmas Dinner for five years now. Who wants to wolf down a load of stuffing balls when you’ve spent the morning removing your children’s own balls of stuffing from their Pampers and rubbing Sudacream into bum holes?
And meals out? Ha!! Ha!! forget it.
So there you have it – want your appetite suppressed? Forget any Kim Kardashian sponsored lollypop – no, no, just have kids.
Tune in next week for ‘Why am I still fat then?’