The Tiny Shoe


It’s hard to put my finger

on the moment that we knew

but I think it all came down to

a tiny little shoe


Oh the things that we’ll do

the people that we’ll see

once it resumes to just being

little old you and little old me


we can have actual adults around

have grown up dinner parties

without having to stop between courses

to wipe those little arses


we can have a clean home

i’ll bring in a ‘no shoes’ law

no porridge, dribble and lego

strewn across our floor


we can go to foreign places

to couples only resorts

we can lounge around on cruises

not a single child friendly caravan thought


we can Kondo the shit out of life

be completely organised

we can be ruddy spontaneous

take long relaxing drives


we can eat our dinner in a fancy restaurant

like Sinead once said

without frantically downloading kids’ apps and ssshhhhing

with all the other patrons wishing we were dead


we can have more adult time

swing from the chandeliers

without the theme tune from Balamory

pissing over the romantic atmosphere


we can relax and unwind

sleep in till eleven

when the kids have grown up

well, it’ll just be pure heaven.


But as we were moving

you found one of their tiny shoes

and we sat, all misty eyed

pondering on what to do


see, If we’re honest I don’t think we ever really had much fun

till you arrived

and then your little brother arrived

my son.


we thought that our ‘baby’ days were well and truly done

but now we can’t shake off the thought





another one?


and that’s how we started thinking we might want more than two

God Damn you, you tiny little shoe.




Why I won’t be piercing my sons’ ears

Firstly, I don’t have a licence to pierce shit. I am presuming you need a licence for that sort of ting – not just one of your mum’s old earrings, a flame and a cork.

Katie Price is ‘under’ metaphorical ‘fire’ for posting a pic of her child with pierced ears (18 months, the child and the ears). Apparently it is like ‘child abuse’ – I am paraphrasing from Newsnight… Sorry, I mean, Loose Women.

Katie can do what she wishes – it’s her life, her daughter, her perogative.

But I won’t be piercing my sons’ ears. And if they were girls I would make the same statement. Why?

1/ It’s personal taste – and in my personal taste – it just looks cheap. There you go! Like big gold hoop earrings, or socks over tracksuit bottoms or speedos – I just don’t like it. But why is my personal taste relevant – especially as many would say I have no taste. Because…

2/ A baby / toddler has no taste. They have no choice in this world. They didn’t choose their parents and they didn’t choose their breakfast – we do. We do what we think is best for them – till they can say Feck you arse holes – I never wanted to be sugar free.  Their current taste is bogies, carpet and cat hair. They are not looking through the Claire’s Accessories catalogue wishing they could pull off a bronze stud.

3/ I want them to choose how they look. I could get deep here – I want them to be themselves, to be who they want to be, to have their own look, to be freeeee to beeeee them. If they want to wear… I don’t know, high heels, they can. But I certainly am not going to wedge high heels on their feet without them expressing their wish to. That sort of thing causes issues, I’m guessing.

If someone made me wear a tracksuit I’d be frickin livid.

I got my ears pierced at sixteen. I’m not sure why – everyone else was doing it – like sex and cigarettes. So I guessed I should do it too.

It was only a fiver to get pierced, whereas smoking made my stomach turn and sex – well, there was absolutely no chance of that. I certainly would have had to spend more than a fiver,

Maybe I thought my pierced ears would draw the men in like magnets… no.

Since then I’ve worn earrings about as often as I’ve had sex.

But I am digressing.

I won’t be piercing my sons’ ears. Unless they keep me up again past two AM. In which case I’m marching them down Claire’s accessories – no anaesthetic. Bastards.