I know you may have seen a certain Kardashian’s brilliant post this week ‘How to look thin AF in photos.” I still don’t know what AF stands for – but what if you want to go the other way? Luckily – I have years of experience. Follow my simple tips to look fat AND FOXY in all of your photos!
- Firstly, and this is essential. Have fun. Forget that there are any cameras in existence. Don’t worry about it. Dance like no one is watching. Swear like no one is listening. Jiggle like no one is flashing (a camera).
- Angle is everything. If you remember one thing – remember this. You want your photographer to take all shots from below – like a seedy paparazzi trying to get a shot of your granny knickers. The lower the better.
- Make sure you are eating – or have just finished eating. Something carb heavy – the sort that retains water. Try to have them take a picture just as the nacho is coming in to land – preferably with stringy cheese hanging down your chins.
- Talking of chins – a great way to highlight your great chins is a side ways pic. This will accentuate your profile.
- If you’re in a group (I never have to worry about this) then make sure you are right at the front (no bending down now – unless you’re in a bikini), or make sure you’re right at one side and have to lean inwards.
- Get your dad to take all pics on a night out. He uses a camera from the 80s with no flash and he is an absolute expert in the downwards, sideways, caught off guard shots – which he uses to try to remind you to lose weight.
- Now for the mothers like me – don’t use any of your children as shields anymore to hide your stomach. Use them as props to show the massive size difference between them and you.
- No pouting. No posing. No breathing in. Breathe out. And relax.
- Run or jog.
- do not contour.
- wear a bobble hat to make your face rounder like an orange.
- no editing or filter. certainly no snapchat filters.
- wear hair up or hide hair.
- Pull a large child or two through the snow on a sledge in the cold with one arm after several months of no cardio.
- Become ‘with child’ and don’t give AF because there are more important things in your F in life than appearing thinner than you are – I don’t know – like being a good person, or a great parent – or you know, ANYTHING ELSE.
- Take all the photos – be in all the photos! You might not like all of them – that’s life.
Follow all my tips and you can easily look just like me in photos!