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Mummy's Writing, Darling Posts

Dear Chicco, About Your Advert

After my 3.40am wake up on a Saturday morning I like to watch some Dawson’s Creek on Sony TV. In between the sickly sweet, utterly false, utopian, fictional drama – I have become aware of your advert. This one … I feel we need to have a little chat about it. The woman in it appears to be well rested, her hair is done and she has a lovely face of make up. Where are her bags? Where are her wrinkles? Where is the mascara smudged across her pale, sleep deprived, dry, pained face? Where are her roots? Why isn’t her hair matted and greasy? Why does she appear to have showered in the last day? Why does she look so happy? Why doesn’t she look like an extra…

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Children, in twenty years, guess who’s coming to dinner?

Guess who’s coming to dinner? Sons, I want you to prepare yourself for your father and I coming to dinner in around twenty years time (or whenever you hopefully move out). I’ll ring ahead of time and insist you make my favourite – lasagne – from scratch, and your dad’s favourite – apple crumble. As soon as we arrive your dad will take off one shoe: Just one mind. I’ll ask for red wine but will only drink it if it is given to me in a very specific cup and if you hold it to my lips whenever I shout. I will jut my tongue in and out of it without ever actually drinking it as that’s just how I will roll. Once dinner is served your dad…

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Why is it you?

Why is it you?   At age two, to a goose, I wouldn’t say boo whereas you son, would shoot it and stuff it too. Why is it you? who cant sit still, while fifteen others do, Who has to play with the fire extinguisher on the wall, while everyone else is queuing, single file, down the hall? Why is it you who has to snatch the block off the three month old, who doesn’t seem to acknowledge anything you are told, who needs to jump up and down at the front, who has to roar, bark, gurn and grunt? Why do you always rugby tackle the babies, leap and stomp and stamp on the daisies? When others are sitting, listening sweetly in a trance, why are you performing a deranged,…

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Mum Lonely Hearts Ad

Seeking fellow mum to have strong coffee with and keep each other company during these terrifically isolating mummy years so I can stop talking aloud to Steve the Stegosaurus about how the toddler never listens. Preferable:  You will have a child a similar age to mine so they can entertain and amuse each other – so we don’t have to. It would be nice if you were a big drinker. I’m not talking Bacardi on your sugar puffs or anything – but “shall we just have the bottle?” should be one of your most commonly used phrases. If you don’t drink, we can get along – as long as you don’t tend to judge those who consider half a bottle of Rioja a ‘palate cleanser’. You will be blind to my…

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