That’s right! I truly believe you should get a cat instead of IVF!
(or do I?)
Sometimes you have to take stock of your life. This blogging malarky is just not lucrative. There are far too many of us ‘Mummy’ bloggers, parent bloggers etc. It’s a saturated market. However – I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. After reading an article in the Daily Mail yesterday (well, I read the headline – I couldn’t be arsed to read the whole thing) I know where my destiny lies.
I will become a controversial Mum writer and mark my name in history as ‘Britain’s most hated woman’ after Katie Hopkins.
My plan is foolproof. First I will write an article that is sure to enrage the masses for no real reason other than notoriety and a large boost in my stats. So far my ideas are:
Breastfeeding is for losers
couples should only be allowed more than two children if they are a member of The National Trust.
Cesareans are cheating
Controlled crying builds self esteem
Stay at home parents just want to stay in bed all day and take off the state
Working parents are neglectful bastards
leaving children to fend for themselves makes great leaders (go to Magaluf for a fortnight).
Breastfeeding should be taught in prisons, to men
I’m sure more will come to me once I start.
In no time at all I am sure I will be called to be on Good Morning Britain or This Morning to sit along side another parent and battle it out! This will make me Instagram famous. I just need to remember to shout louder and bang home my point even if I don’t really believe it myself.
Soon the money will come rolling in.
Tune in next time for my first article “Male midwives are just perverts.”
One day my best friend and I saw a small tile in a shop that read “we’ll be best friends forever, we know where the bodies are buried” and we laughed together because that’s what our friendship was. We knew everything about each other; and I mean everything! The good, the bad and the utterly ugly – no judgment. We were there for each other through every break up, every hideous job, every parental fall out. Would you believe it if I told you the last day I ever saw her was the day I told her I was pregnant approximately five years (and nine months) ago.
I had recently moved away and had gone back home for a wedding. I wanted to tell her face to face because I knew this was a painful subject for her. She desperately wanted a child. I had become pregnant accidentally at the worst possible time. She knew as soon as I refused a drink – a dead give away.
I saw pain in her eyes as I told her but I believed our friendship could survive anything. Months later I found myself in this new town with zero friends. She was kind on social media and caring for a while. The end came when I made the effort to go back home twice to see my friends – and both times she didn’t turn up. The second time – without an explanation or a text. I was devastated.
It was easy for me to be angry and hurt for a very very long time. I couldn’t speak about her to a single person without breaking down in tears. Then in emotional moments I would message her saying I missed her, I was sorry, please can we be friends again. No answer has ever come.
It has taken me five years to understand. I will never fully understand but I’m not angry anymore. I get it.
I imagine her pain at not being able to have a child when mine came so easily. I imagine her fury and anger at my Facebook updates constantly moaning about sickness and SPD and indigestion. I imagine it all being a constant slap in her face. I get it.
Unfortunately for me – and for everyone else – my first pregnancy was the first ever pregnancy since records began – I was obsessed with it. I wrote a blog about it. I posted endless statuses about it, but more importantly I moaned about it. I moaned about the jabs and the aches and pains and the vomiting and the SPD and the heartburn and anxiety without much thought for anyone else. I didn’t consider the pain she was feeling.
I am so unbelievably happy that she got her child eventually.
I can’t down play how painful losing this special friendship has been. I have wept to my husband at night, I have cried the night before my wedding because she was’t there, it has taken me a long five years to get to the place where I can even write this. Getting over men has been relatively easy in comparison – a new hair cut and a few shots were all I needed. But losing my best friend hurt like Hell.
I still dream about her from time to time. In my dream we see each other in the street – there are no fireworks; there is no movie style reunion. We just say “Hey” like nothing has happened and then we toddle off to the pub like we always did a lifetime ago.
Life isn’t as black and white as people would like to believe.
There are rarely purely goodies and baddies.
There is complicated pain and there are complex emotions.
There are also friendships that can’t survive our entire lives – some people are meant to be there for your youth, your drinking-heart-ache-traveling-discovering-yourself days – and as painful as it might be – they might be meant to be kept in the past.
We are lifetimes apart now. We have experienced a million different emotions and moments without each other at our sides. But we are both mothers, we have that in common. In some ways we will always be the same best mates we always were. We will always be part of each other’s tapestry.
I still love her. We still know where the bodies are buried.
I know you may have seen a certain Kardashian’s brilliant post this week ‘How to look thin AF in photos.” I still don’t know what AF stands for – but what if you want to go the other way? Luckily – I have years of experience. Follow my simple tips to look fat AND FOXY in all of your photos!
Firstly, and this is essential. Have fun. Forget that there are any cameras in existence. Don’t worry about it. Dance like no one is watching. Swear like no one is listening. Jiggle like no one is flashing (a camera).
Angle is everything. If you remember one thing – remember this. You want your photographer to take all shots from below – like a seedy paparazzi trying to get a shot of your granny knickers. The lower the better.
Make sure you are eating – or have just finished eating. Something carb heavy – the sort that retains water. Try to have them take a picture just as the nacho is coming in to land – preferably with stringy cheese hanging down your chins.
Talking of chins – a great way to highlight your great chins is a side ways pic. This will accentuate your profile.
If you’re in a group (I never have to worry about this) then make sure you are right at the front (no bending down now – unless you’re in a bikini), or make sure you’re right at one side and have to lean inwards.
Get your dad to take all pics on a night out. He uses a camera from the 80s with no flash and he is an absolute expert in the downwards, sideways, caught off guard shots – which he uses to try to remind you to lose weight.
Now for the mothers like me – don’t use any of your children as shields anymore to hide your stomach. Use them as props to show the massive size difference between them and you.
No pouting. No posing. No breathing in. Breathe out. And relax.
Run or jog.
do not contour.
wear a bobble hat to make your face rounder like an orange.
no editing or filter. certainly no snapchat filters.
wear hair up or hide hair.
Pull a large child or two through the snow on a sledge in the cold with one arm after several months of no cardio.
Become ‘with child’ and don’t give AF because there are more important things in your F in life than appearing thinner than you are – I don’t know – like being a good person, or a great parent – or you know, ANYTHING ELSE.
Take all the photos – be in all the photos! You might not like all of them – that’s life.
Follow all my tips and you can easily look just like me in photos!