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Mummy's Writing, Darling Posts

Good Lord, he really is a little shit isn’t he darling?

  You could never have met anyone on this planet more desperate, more excited and more suited to be a grandparent than my mother. She had me, her perfect only child, obviously, and then began her wait to become a grandma. She waited a long thirty years. I saw her disappointed face after every relationship went sour. I think she thought it might never happen. However, I was slightly worried about telling her I was pregnant as it wasn’t great timing, wasn’t planned, and I was living in sin in a fairly new relationship. I took a deep breath in Costa coffee and told her “you’re going to be a grandma.” I apologise to the patrons of Costa that morning who were witness to a lady shrieking, screaming, howling and…

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Mummy, I’m not a baby anymore

  Today (October 3rd 2016) my three year old son walked up to me in the kitchen and shattered my heart. “Mummy” I heard. The word I hear perhaps two thousand times a day and am ashamed to tell you makes me flinch more times than not. I was busily tidying up the debris from the kitchen and uttered “mmm?” “I’m not a baby anymore.” he said. Out of nowhere. Blindsided. I looked down at him in his penguin pyjamas. His pure, pale face staring up at me. His perfect brown eyes shining, waiting for a response. I started to breathe again and felt my eyes heavy with tears forcing their way out. “I know.” I said. And then started to cry in a way mums cry in front…

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Why Mums Can’t Diet

This morning I trundled my large arse off to play group with my youngest son. I only fully woke up about five minutes in when he smacked a tambourine off my right tit and started trying to choke himself on a mini maraca. I realised where I was and looked around the room at the other mums dancing to “the magic ring” (insert joke here) looking like bloody idiots. To stop myself from smashing my skull into the opposite wall in time with the bananas in pyjamas song, I started to think about my diet plans for the day ahead. Gluten free toast for a late breakfast with some nut butter and a banana I mused. Some fancy herbal tea throughout the day to keep hydrated I thought. pulses…

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I may not the blogger you are looking for!

See also “Why I’m a shit blogger”. I love writing – but blogging – I’m not very good. I can’t play the game. I don’t schedule posts. I don’t write about current events. I don’t know what a no follow link is. I don’t read other blogs unless a title really shouts out to me. I don’t work hard on getting views, likes or numbers (which is why they’re so low). I don’t look at my stats. Unless something goes a bit crazy! I can’t do SEO – I can’t be bothered and I don’t understand it. I did try – I did reviews (never was I paid for one). I didn’t realise I could ask for money to be honest. Writing them was just not very nice. I…

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