Mummy, I’m not a baby anymore

  Today (October 3rd 2016) my three year old son walked up to me in the kitchen and shattered my heart. “Mummy” I heard. The word I hear perhaps two thousand times a day and am ashamed to tell you makes me flinch more times than not. I was busily tidying up the debris from […]

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Smelly Poos

Don’t whinge about your husband some people don’t have a husband or a boyfriend for that matter or friends even – to have a coffee with, and a natter some people are lonely and despair if he won’t fill the dishwasher, do you really care? You could be widowed, or too ugly for a man […]

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The Mum Next Door

There is a mum next door you’ve caught sight of at dawn dragging the bins out at night dragging the kids out in the morn mostly you hear her and the little terrors she bred screaming, crying, cbeebies on incessantly the Gruffalo exhaustedly read and I can bet my tax credits on the fact that […]

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The Tiny Shoe

  It’s hard to put my finger on the moment that we knew but I think it all came down to a tiny little shoe   Oh the things that we’ll do the people that we’ll see once it resumes to just being little old you and little old me   we can have actual […]

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Why I won’t be piercing my sons’ ears

Firstly, I don’t have a licence to pierce shit. I am presuming you need a licence for that sort of ting – not just one of your mum’s old earrings, a flame and a cork. Katie Price is ‘under’ metaphorical ‘fire’ for posting a pic of her child with pierced ears (18 months, the child and the […]

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The Teething Rap

Follow my blog with Bloglovin The Teething Rap (Beatbox) Got so many chew toys gonna call you Rover when will this fresh teething Hell be over? You scream all day You look so glum Gotta go figure it’s your mother fudging gums Been tryin Calpol and all types of anaesthetic Neurofen, granuals and a mild […]

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When I see a parent scowl

  When I see a parent scowl in my direction I ask myself a simple set of essential questions:   do they have Weetabix up their nose or porridge in their ear? do they have their bra on inside out or some Lego shrapnel up their rear? have they failed at ‘Dry January’ or are desperate for a cig? are they fed up to the […]

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Beholden

  Beholden   All days he’s had a yogurt-propelling snotty nose and scrambled egg squelched between tiny sweaty toes. All of the screeches and screams tacky teething gels and nappy rash creams with all the go-to-fucking-sleep nights the fatigued and frazzled baby-Father fights and the live long days of exhaustion your long lost independent lives tantrums, […]

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