New Appetite Suppressant : Having Children

Have you ever tried to tuck into a beautifully crafted Roast Dinner with all the trimmings, with a strange aroma of sweet stools floating across the mint sauce? Then you, my friend, are on to the latest diet craze – the extraordinarily effective appetite suppressant we call having children.

Having children can suppress your appetite on several easy, care free levels.

Firstly a newborn will not let you eat. It senses when a meal is near by and will demand your full attention and both hands.

Secondly, the Mac an’ Cheese you’ve prepared does not pair well with baby upchuck.

Another thing that can put you off your fajitas is a baby clamped to your bleeding nipples draining the calcium from you.

Now – when a child starts weaning they have the power to put you off all of your solid family favourites. My friend, once you’ve seen Lasagne, Cottage Pie, and, God forbid, Tuna Pasta Bake go through a human and re-enter the atmosphere an hour later in much the same form – trust me – those meals will not be a part of your weekly food diary again.

You will also be generally full already when your meal arrives because you have been tucking into disgusting leftovers strewn around your house – burnt ends of fish fingers, crusts from toast, peanut butter from the jar, cold beans, lurpack.

Ever had to scrape chilli con carne out of a child’s neck rolls? No more Old el Paso for me ta.

I can honestly say I haven’t fully enjoyed a Christmas Dinner for five years now. Who wants to wolf down a load of stuffing balls when you’ve spent the morning removing your children’s own balls of stuffing from their Pampers and rubbing Sudacream into bum holes?

And meals out? Ha!! Ha!! forget it.

So there you have it – want your appetite suppressed? Forget any Kim Kardashian sponsored lollypop – no, no, just have kids.

#notanad #justapisstake

Tune in next week for ‘Why am I still fat then?’

appetite suppressant

 

 

 

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Inspire your young budding writers AND eat FREE pizza! Sunday 25th March in Leeds – Pizza Express #worldbookday2018

If there are two things I absolutely adore in this world – it’s writing (I could totally be JK Rowling if I just had a better attention span) and Pizza – the food of Gods. So imagine my delight when I learned three things:

  1. Pizza Express are supporting World Book Day by holding a ‘How to Write a Novel in 60 Minutes’ kids’ workshops for World Book Day 2018
  2. there will be pizza there – obviously.
  3. They are doing this in Leeds! My new hometown.

So if you have some young budding writers in your brood and are looking for something fun to do this Sunday – why not come down to Pizza Express in Leeds.

You can go to Pizza Express this Sunday (Sunday the 25th of March) Address:  The White Cloth Hall, Crown Street, Leeds, Yorkshire.
It starts at 11am, and the workshop lasts for one hour.
Lunch is then at 1pm for both children and adults.
You can get tickets for free from eventbrite and the ticket includes FREE PIZZA for kids.
This is not a drill – FREE PIZZA. I said – FREE PIZZA for kids.
The workshops are aimed at 7 to 12 year olds – plus confident 6 year olds.
To book your free tickets simply click here

Further Details:

Parents and their children are invited to join the wordsmiths from Scribbler HQ at PizzaExpress restaurants in Birmingham, Cardiff, Manchester and Leeds throughout March.

Your child / children will create their very own novel.

They tell me there will be ‘lashings’ of pizza afterwards (they had me at lashings).

There will be a special edition of the Dough Ball Times activity pack, available in restaurants until the 25th of March, featuring a £1 National Book Token and a competition where children are invited to win a year’s supply of books by designing their own World Book Day Dough Ball Bookmark.
For more information and to see when they’ll be in your town just click here!
Hopefully I will see you there – I will be the one with my face in a Hawaiian.
Yes I like pineapple on Pizza – Don’t judge me!

The New human Being

They’ve given me a new human

with rice paper limbs

They took it from me

Though I’m sure that can not be

They’ve let me take it away

from a building of people

who know better than me

and have health care degrees

he squints into my eyes

we both look fucking terrified

they’ve given me a new human being

and my job is to keep it breathing

I’m sure any moment

they’ll realise their mistake

till then I’ll try to let it feed from me

We can cling to each other

like clueless life rafts

in this ridiculous sea

Maybe it’s all not lost

I read a book once

and I went to one class

Maybe they’ll let me keep him

if I love him hard enough

I’ve got a feeling deep down

I might be made of stronger stuff

his shoulders fit within my knuckles

his robin chest rises up and down

who left this precious speck of gold

with this absolute clown?

all we can do is cling to each other’s chests

and hope for the best

not now

but maybe in a few years

you’ll see me as home

and I’ll laugh about the time

I held you in my clueless hands

as delicate as glass

I guess I’m your mum

I guess you are home

 

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Get Pampered at The Body Shop Leeds (64 Briggate) – #crueltyfreeleeds

the body shop leeds

There are many injustices in this world – that Idris Elba isn’t in love with me, that I wasn’t cast as Buffy the Vampire slayer and that I never came up with the idea of Just Eat. The latest one is that The Body Shop in Leeds has a private room that I am I didn’t know about and that I think not enough people know about. It’s a travesty!

The Body Shop is probably the first brand I was aware of when I was a young teenager for smelling better (hormones) and looking great. Oh the nostalgia when I think of the candy floss lip balms and the fruit shaped soaps, the apricot bubble baths and the cocoa butter body butter. We all pranced around town with the beige canvas bag thinking we were it!

Well I’m now 35 and dare I say it – I kind of moved on from The Body Shop. Then last week I was invited to the Leeds branch for a free facial and I jumped at the chance. This face needs all the help it can get.

The private room is at the back of the store and is really relaxing and cosy. I met the beautiful Jess – a skincare expert – had a herbal tea and a good old chin wag. I wasn’t drinking at the time – but they do offer a free glass of  Prosecco with their treatments – I missed a trick!

They do all sorts of facials from basic to advanced (I had the advanced). They also do Mother’s Day packages, small parties and make up classes. Apparently a party of young teenagers had been in a week or so before for a make up party which I just thought was so sweet – I would have loved that.

The most interesting part was the skin test Jess did on me first – I have never known what skin type I have – but I am informed I have quite a dry face – especially on my cheeks. There was a tiny bit of oil on my forehead but generally – dry.

“So what’s your skin care routine?”

“Umm… soap and water.” I replied.

Jess wasn’t judgemental – looked like she had heard that many, many times.

I was slathered in a load of fancy products and I felt so pampered.

My husband doesn’t compliment me – really ever. But that evening he couldn’t stop complimenting my skin.

Therefore – the next day I went back and I bought all the products. I’m going to really give The Body Shop another go because I think I forgot about it for too long.

I  now have a cleanser, a toner, a facial peel and a plumping moisturiser and I will definitely be going back for more. The Body shop has reclaimed its spot on my birthday and Christmas lists – it’s no longer about bubble bath sets for your Nan. It’s about serious skin care goals for knackered tired mums who fall asleep most evenings with their make up on and have no routine to speak of.

Check out Cruelty Free Leeds on Twitter and have a look at CRUELTY FREE LEEDS SERVICE MENU for treatments. We all deserve a pamper now and then.

 

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The perils of ‘Happy’ Occasions

January brings with it hundreds if not thousands of folk exclaiming “Happy New Year” like it’s a command; like it’s a militant instruction. “It’s a new year – Be happy or else!” And they sure look happy don’t they? All the well dressed, well drunk, groups of comrades linking arms, counting down the clock and screeching “Happy New Year!” whilst I’m staring at my M&S meal deal in my dressing gown wondering what exactly I’m doing wrong to not feel happiness at this landmark at all.

These, of course are the perils of so called “Happy” occasions.

Weddings – I’ve had a couple. We hire a photographer to capture this happiest day of our lives – so you better sure as Hell smile till you can’t feel your face anymore. Everyone – and I mean everyone is watching. This is literally the end of every single Jane Austen novel. You’ve reached peak happiness. Then why do I feel so utterly anxious, paranoid and on edge? Why do I imagine everyone whispering “I give this one a year” under their breath. Why have I never been so aware of my weight? What if he is late? What if everyone is late? And worse still – what if I don’t feel the euphoria I am supposed to? I am happy to be married but as for my wedding day – I felt more happiness at a Carvery.

The birth of a baby. Well – not just any baby: your baby! Sure there can’t be any happier moment could there? After the birth of my first born I distinctly remember putting a status on Facebook “I have literally never been this happy in my entire life!” Wrong – what I was, was higher than I had ever been in my entire life on diamorphine, two epidurals and four days of starvation. The come down was brutal. I have never been so terrified in my life. I was convinced if I took my eyes off my baby for one second he would stop breathing. I pissed in a vase in the bedroom because I didn’t want to walk across the hall to the actual toilet. I was convinced the Health Visitor was going to take him away because I couldn’t get him to latch. And don’t get me started on pregnancy.

Christmas day. There was a moment on Christmas morning when my son was ripping through his gifts and I felt nowt. I shook myself – why don’t you feel happy? This is what Christmas is all about – and this is what you’ve been waiting for for months. So I got a black bin bag for the wrapping paper because that’s what mums do. I felt real joy on Christmas eve – don’t get me wrong – I’m not Scrooge. Maybe the build up is better than the main event.

Birthdays – never quite as happy as they should be. What’s happy about being Thirty Five on a specific date – you’re half way to seventy! Smile!

So we don’t feel happy, even though society tells us we have to be. So we feel like we’re in the wrong or not normal. And of course we feel like we’ve failed.

Don’t worry if you don’t feel happy on the occasions you’re supposed to. Maybe you’re just not like everyone else; and maybe that’s just fine.

I don’t want you to leave me thinking I’m downright miserable so I shall leave you with three moments of pure happiness* and wish you a so-so New Year. Be averagely satisfied one and all.

*  my youngest son dipping his feet in the sea in Scarborough and squealing with delight and happiness. I wept happy tears.

*  Sitting alone in a restaurant in Rome eating Gnocchi with a carafe of wine.

* Walking around Whitby with my first born in a sling getting coos from elderly ladies and feeling utter pride.

 

 

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