New Appetite Suppressant : Having Children

Have you ever tried to tuck into a beautifully crafted Roast Dinner with all the trimmings, with a strange aroma of sweet stools floating across the mint sauce? Then you, my friend, are on to the latest diet craze – the extraordinarily effective appetite suppressant we call having children.

Having children can suppress your appetite on several easy, care free levels.

Firstly a newborn will not let you eat. It senses when a meal is near by and will demand your full attention and both hands.

Secondly, the Mac an’ Cheese you’ve prepared does not pair well with baby upchuck.

Another thing that can put you off your fajitas is a baby clamped to your bleeding nipples draining the calcium from you.

Now – when a child starts weaning they have the power to put you off all of your solid family favourites. My friend, once you’ve seen Lasagne, Cottage Pie, and, God forbid, Tuna Pasta Bake go through a human and re-enter the atmosphere an hour later in much the same form – trust me – those meals will not be a part of your weekly food diary again.

You will also be generally full already when your meal arrives because you have been tucking into disgusting leftovers strewn around your house – burnt ends of fish fingers, crusts from toast, peanut butter from the jar, cold beans, lurpack.

Ever had to scrape chilli con carne out of a child’s neck rolls? No more Old el Paso for me ta.

I can honestly say I haven’t fully enjoyed a Christmas Dinner for five years now. Who wants to wolf down a load of stuffing balls when you’ve spent the morning removing your children’s own balls of stuffing from their Pampers and rubbing Sudacream into bum holes?

And meals out? Ha!! Ha!! forget it.

So there you have it – want your appetite suppressed? Forget any Kim Kardashian sponsored lollypop – no, no, just have kids.

#notanad #justapisstake

Tune in next week for ‘Why am I still fat then?’

appetite suppressant

 

 

 

SaveSave

Cats are a suitable substitute for children & other ways to make money writing

That’s right! I truly believe you should get a cat instead of IVF!

(or do I?)

Sometimes you have to take stock of your life. This blogging malarky is just not lucrative. There are far too many of us ‘Mummy’ bloggers, parent bloggers etc. It’s a saturated market. However – I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. After reading an article in the Daily Mail yesterday (well, I read the headline – I couldn’t be arsed to read the whole thing) I know where my destiny lies.

I will become a controversial Mum writer and mark my name in history as ‘Britain’s most hated woman’ after Katie Hopkins.

My plan is foolproof. First I will write an article that is sure to enrage the masses for no real reason other than notoriety and a large boost in my stats. So far my ideas are:

  • Breastfeeding is for losers
  • couples should only be allowed more than two children if they are a member of The National Trust.
  • Cesareans are cheating
  • Controlled crying builds self esteem
  • Stay at home parents just want to stay in bed all day and take off the state
  • Working parents are neglectful bastards
  • leaving children to fend for themselves makes great leaders (go to Magaluf for a fortnight).
  • Breastfeeding should be taught in prisons, to men

I’m sure more will come to me once I start.

In no time at all I am sure I will be called to be on Good Morning Britain or This Morning to sit along side another parent and battle it out! This will make me Instagram famous. I just need to remember to shout louder and bang home my point even if I don’t really believe it myself.

Soon the money will come rolling in.

Tune in next time for my first article “Male midwives are just perverts.

I just can’t wait for my new adventure!

SaveSave

SaveSave

SaveSave

How to look fat AF in photos

I know you may have seen a certain Kardashian’s brilliant post this week ‘How to look thin AF in photos.” I still don’t know what AF stands for – but what if you want to go the other way? Luckily – I have years of experience. Follow my simple tips to look fat AND FOXY in all of your photos!

  1. Firstly, and this is essential. Have fun. Forget that there are any cameras in existence. Don’t worry about it. Dance like no one is watching. Swear like no one is listening. Jiggle like no one is flashing (a camera).
  2. Angle is everything. If you remember one thing – remember this. You want your photographer to take all shots from below – like a seedy paparazzi trying to get a shot of your granny knickers. The lower the better.
  3. Make sure you are eating – or have just finished eating. Something carb heavy – the sort that retains water. Try to have them take a picture just as the nacho is coming in to land – preferably with stringy cheese hanging down your chins.
  4. Talking of chins – a great way to highlight your great chins is a side ways pic. This will accentuate your profile.
  5. If you’re in a group (I never have to worry about this) then make sure you are right at the front (no bending down now – unless you’re in a bikini), or make sure you’re right at one side and have to lean inwards.
  6. Get your dad to take all pics on a night out. He uses a camera from the 80s with no flash and he is an absolute expert in the downwards, sideways, caught off guard shots – which he uses to try to remind you to lose weight.
  7. Now for the mothers like me – don’t use any of your children as shields anymore to hide your stomach. Use them as props to show the massive size difference between them and you.
  8. No pouting. No posing. No breathing in. Breathe out. And relax.
  9. Run or jog.
  10. do not contour.
  11. wear a bobble hat to make your face rounder like an orange.
  12. no editing or filter. certainly no snapchat filters.
  13. wear hair up or hide hair.
  14. Pull a large child or two through the snow on a sledge in the cold with one arm after several months of no cardio.
  15. Become ‘with child’ and don’t give AF because there are more important things in your F in life than appearing thinner than you are – I don’t know – like being a good person, or a great parent – or you know, ANYTHING ELSE.
  16. Take all the photos – be in all the photos! You might not like all of them – that’s life.

Follow all my tips and you can easily look just like me in photos!

 

 

 

You’re welcome.

 

SaveSave

The Stay at Home Mum Christmas Party

stay at home mum christmas party

It’s Christmas time. There’s no need to be afraid. At Christmas time – the workers of the world get all giddy.

It’s a festive Salted Caramel coffee on the way in to the office. And look at Doreen! She’s rocking her Christmas tree light up dangly earrings!

And Stan’s got his Christmas bauble jumper on – the maverick. The canteen are doing mulled wine (one glass mind) and mince pie lattices. Look at all those pigs in blankets. They’ve put tinsel around the fire exits!

The halls have been buzzing since November with the count down to the Christmas break. The office is filled with the thrill of secret santa and you’re off to get inappropriately pissed at the Christmas lunch (four courses / steak house).

And then they’re off their heads practically elated typing their “out of office” email “back next year” fuckers.

Then there’s a Christmas party with them all linking arms wailing out “Fairy tale of New York”. Christmas hats on. The boss snogging Pauline in the third loo from the left. His wife won’t be happy.

And here we are – the stay at home parent.

“Are you ready for Christmas?” they ask us.

Christmas? It’s Christmas? What is the actual date today?

“Have you done your shopping?” No.

“Are you excited about your time off?” What time off?

There ain’t no point in wearing my Rudolph antlers and snowball earrings – no one is impressed here.

There’s no festive canteen treats – I am the canteen. And you’ll get what we’ve got in – beans and egg from now till Tuesday.

There’s no excited countdown to a “holiday” or break and when the other half puts on his “out of office” you think oh God – they’re home for how long? There’s going to be fights – and one more fucking person to hoover around.

There ain’t no secret Santa. You’re on your tod. And the only surprise parcel you’re gonna get is poop.

There’s no lunch, no party – none of that feeling – that ecstatic feeling of “It’s Chriiiissstttmassssss“.

Other half arrives home, rosy cheeked, party hat lop sided on their head, they’re wearing Doreen’s Christmas tree earrings … on their arse – “I’m home for Christmas love! You ok?”

“Muh” you snarl. “The eldest is constipated and the youngest has shit all up the door bouncer. Merry Christmas.”

Stay at home parents. Really – Do they know it’s Christmas time at all?