How to look fat AF in photos

I know you may have seen a certain Kardashian’s brilliant post this week ‘How to look thin AF in photos.” I still don’t know what AF stands for – but what if you want to go the other way? Luckily – I have years of experience. Follow my simple tips to look fat AND FOXY in all of your photos!

  1. Firstly, and this is essential. Have fun. Forget that there are any cameras in existence. Don’t worry about it. Dance like no one is watching. Swear like no one is listening. Jiggle like no one is flashing (a camera).
  2. Angle is everything. If you remember one thing – remember this. You want your photographer to take all shots from below – like a seedy paparazzi trying to get a shot of your granny knickers. The lower the better.
  3. Make sure you are eating – or have just finished eating. Something carb heavy – the sort that retains water. Try to have them take a picture just as the nacho is coming in to land – preferably with stringy cheese hanging down your chins.
  4. Talking of chins – a great way to highlight your great chins is a side ways pic. This will accentuate your profile.
  5. If you’re in a group (I never have to worry about this) then make sure you are right at the front (no bending down now – unless you’re in a bikini), or make sure you’re right at one side and have to lean inwards.
  6. Get your dad to take all pics on a night out. He uses a camera from the 80s with no flash and he is an absolute expert in the downwards, sideways, caught off guard shots – which he uses to try to remind you to lose weight.
  7. Now for the mothers like me – don’t use any of your children as shields anymore to hide your stomach. Use them as props to show the massive size difference between them and you.
  8. No pouting. No posing. No breathing in. Breathe out. And relax.
  9. Run or jog.
  10. do not contour.
  11. wear a bobble hat to make your face rounder like an orange.
  12. no editing or filter. certainly no snapchat filters.
  13. wear hair up or hide hair.
  14. Pull a large child or two through the snow on a sledge in the cold with one arm after several months of no cardio.
  15. Become ‘with child’ and don’t give AF because there are more important things in your F in life than appearing thinner than you are – I don’t know – like being a good person, or a great parent – or you know, ANYTHING ELSE.
  16. Take all the photos – be in all the photos! You might not like all of them – that’s life.

Follow all my tips and you can easily look just like me in photos!




You’re welcome.



What it feels like to be intimidated by a man

mummy's writing darling

On my way home from work yesterday the news was on in the taxi. The continuing news about the Movie Producer rumbled away in surround sound before the driver angrily switched it off. He announced,

“If these women didn’t want this to carry on then they should have said something at the time! Look at them all now coming out of the woodwork!”

“mmm…” I offered out of politeness. Politeness; sometimes our downfall.

“I think it’s hard when a man is so powerful and intimidating…” I continued.

He continued to disagree with me all the way home and I tried to block most of it out because that very day, at the age of thirty five, a mother of two – I had been intimidated by a man to the point it had made me cry – at work, in front of an even more powerful man.

The man, who was significantly taller and wider than me had been rude, passive aggressive and continued to express his displeasure at me being there. My back was to him, and his colleague (bullies are always better off with an ally) as I heard him talking about me, disgruntled. I daren’t turn around.

In that moment I hated that I was five foot three. I hated that I was wearing flat shoes which made me sink even further into the ground. I hated that I was blonde – I imagined them looking at me like I was some dumb girl. I felt like I had zero status.

Out of God knows where I found myself complaining about him to his manager. There wasn’t any courage in this – it probably came from myself finding more and more truth falling out of my mouth the more stressed and exhausted I get nowadays.

And then I knew they were coming, I felt the heat in my neck. I choked and there they were. Stupid tears. Always letting me down. Always making me look even weaker than I am. The man looked horrified.

What the man in the taxi, another large in stature older man, could never comprehend is how it feels to be intimated like that.

I told the taxi driver a man had made me cry at work to which he replied:

“my daughters wouldn’t let a man do that … they’re strong.”

Unfortunately I am not that strong. I could fight a lion for my children … but myself? On a bad day – I would lie down and let it start at my feet.

The little girl in the photograph was told to say yes, respect her elders, respect her superiors, always be polite. Too polite.

The news over the last few weeks has made me think many things. The most honest and disturbing thing being – I can’t say if that movie producer had asked me to get into his hotel room with the aggression he did to that model on the recording –

I’m not certain I would have had the courage to have said no.