Phonetics, The N word, The C word and my two year old

mummy's writing darling

We thought we had it bad with our first child when he started grappling with the English language. We thought we had it bad when truck became cock, and clock became cock, and socks became fucks, and fox became fucks. Oh how we cringed. But WAIT! Enter second child – or as we call him “If we had him first we wouldn’t have had any more.”

He is three next month and is at the fully fledged stage of “make noises that sort of sound like coherent words but not quite.” We were completely prepared for the embarrassment – here comes the cocks and fucks we thought.

Oh no – this child is a game changer.

He has two words of choice. The first is – The N word.

The actual N word. Now we are pretty sure he hasn’t got Tourettes.

We are pretty sure he hasn’t learned it from us – or grandma – Great grandma could have been an option – but he’s only met her once and she’s not a massive racist.

We also haven’t been letting him listen to NWA – “Fuck the police” and all that.

We can not for the life of us figure out what he is actually saying. For a while I thought it might be “New Car” – but he keeps shouting it whilst looking at his brother. And he doesn’t work at we buy any car.com

It’s pretty much the first thing he says in the morning. He walks out of his room – sees his older brother and shouts the N word at him. (If you have any clue what he might be saying please send your answers on a postcard – before social services get hold of us).

Pretty much the worst thing he could say right?

Well – enter his second word of choice. Which generally immediately follows the N word – THE BLOODY C Word – C#NT!!!

Now it might be that he’s saying “can’t” like this Alan Partridge episode :

But in which case – why is he continually screaming at us “N word C#nt!” what can’t we do? And why are you being racist towards us? NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE.

I can’t take him in public for God’s sake. It sounds like I’m growing a tiny angry racist Danny Dyer.

If we have a third GOD knows what he’ll be screaming at the top of his lungs in a few years time as they seem to be getting progressively worse. “This is our third son, say hello!”

Cock Fuck C#nt N word twat wanker shit goo goo ga ga BOLLOCKS!!!!

Send help!

 

 

 

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Five signs you have a C.H.I.L.D who has really started talking

1 / You will start S.P.E.L.L.I.N.G everything out when your child starts really talking. Several words in a sentence may be spelled out depending on the details.

You might be heard saying: “Darling, I’m just popping to the S.H.O.P to get some stuff, I might get some C.A.K.E but he can’t have another P.E.P.P.A.P.I.G.M.A.G.A.Z.I.N.E. and I need him to go to B.E.D by seven tonight because I am F.*.C.K.E.D.

The other half stares at you as though he’s trying to answer a University Challenge maths’ question. You can see his cogs turning “M…A…G… oh yes.”

Sometimes you will forget to spell out the important word and you’ll stare at each other in horror in complete silence listening to toddler footsteps running towards you like people watching the water shake in a cup knowing a T-Rex is on its way.

This is how to spot a parent of a child who has ‘really’ started talking. For what seems like an age now he’s been rocking about saying singular words, perhaps numbers, colours, Iggle Piggle and Daddy Pig. But suddenly he’s graduated to an all listening, all repeating, all talking mini adult with an annoyingly high pitched adorable voice.
Here are some more signs:

2 / You – a champion swearer who usually resembles a sort of tired mum version of Father Jack will start being incredibly self righteous about bad language. All of a sudden it’s not ok anymore – and everyone needs to get on board. Ok?

You might be heard saying: “Er…. darling, I don’t think you should say S.H.I.T in front of him you know. He’s like a sponge darling, and you really are setting a bad example, don’t be a T.W.A…”

And when the child isn’t around you’ll swear 150% more than you used to – just to get it out of your system.

3/ You will think every single thing the child says is the funniest, wittiest and most intelligent thing anyone has ever said. You will post his sentences on facebook and twitter and wonder why you haven’t got any likes. You’ll tell friends and family in person these anecdotes before realising they are not anecdotes.

You might be heard saying: “Oh my God! You will not believe what he just said. He just said ‘mummy, put your Tea on the floor’ can you believe that? He is so, so clever! And last Wednesday he said “it’s too high up mummy’ isn’t that hilarious? Hello…hello…are you still there?”

4/ You will be amazed at how quickly the sound of your child chatting away can get, well, tired. And you’re utterly exhausted with listening and answering questions. It’s only seven in the morning and you’ve already labelled everything in the kitchen, named all of his dinosaurs and talked through the plot of Hoodwinked.

“what’s that mummy?”
“It’s a nutribullet darling”
“what’s that mummy?”
“that’s an avocado darling”
“what’s that mummy?”
“that’s a brioche darling.”
“what’s that mummy?”
“that’s a bag for life darling.” etc.

5/ The kids will be in bed, you will have had a couple of glasses of wine, but you can’t turn off your new parent with a C.H.I.L.D way of communicating. All of these things will combine and collide making you sound like a couple of unhinged maniacs.

“Darling, I’m going to run to L.O.N.D.I.S cause I really fancy a T.W.I.X and mummy needs chocolate. Ok? Knobhead.”