Where my son decides to shit is none of your beeswax


Today my son did a shit (as he does every day).

Today it was in front of a plumber in his nappy (my son’s, not the plumber’s) – which doesn’t happen everyday. As the plumber looked at my baby and my three year old boy remarking “looks like you’ve got your hands full!” the distinct waft of turd meandered through the room.

I took him upstairs (my son, not the plumber), had a little chat with him that I would prefer it if he notified me before he did a poo poo that he was going to do a poo poo instead of just comingĀ over and standing 1cm next to me while I’m tucking into a lemon drizzle muffin and a Yorkshire tea and coyly murmuring that he’s “done a big wee wee mummy”.

Over the last year I have had subtle comments over potty training and that he should be trained already – like he’s a wayward stray mongrel that pisses all over my white goods. I’ve had the sidewards stare, the passive aggressive purchasing of pull up nappies and underpants and even had the oh so useful ‘I’m going to talk to you by pretending to talk through your child’ moments:

“Hello darling, have you done a poo poo today? Does your mummy know? Shall I take you to the toilets? Will she maybe think about showing you the POT-TEA between her pedicures and sambuca shots?”

I’m not sure what they are scared of:

  • That he is desperate to use a potty but I’m restricting his growth due to severe attachment issues to my pristine toilet tiles.
  • That if I leave it much later he will be the only person at his University Fresher’s week sat in the corner in his own excrement?
  • That this will be his ‘Thing’ – you know, that kid, you know him? he’s still in nappies but he really does a great Hamlet soliloquy when he’s pressed.
  • That one day they will shit all over their new conservatory?


There’s no bloody rush. He will get it. So back off please. It’s none of your business.

Truly it isn’t – and he will get it when he’s ready. Just like walking, talking, riding a bike, swimming – I have no intention of throwing him into the pool and watching him drown just because it’ll make you feel better.

Mummy….. out (drops mic).