Ten signs you’ve lost your mummy marbles

Mummy's Writing Darling

Ten signs you’ve lost your mummy marbles

 

1/ You call the cuddly toys in your house by their correct pronoun and correct yourself if you make a mistake LIKE IT MATTERS TO ANYONE. “Darling…he wants Peppa Pig,  can you bring him, I mean ‘her’ up with some milk?” She’s (I mean it’s) not real woman, have a word with yourself.

2/ You sing a song while you’re emptying the dishwasher – which is fine. But you realise after a couple of minutes you’re not singing the latest Adele tune. You’re singing “Incy wincy spider” and there are no children in the house.

3/ You call your other half ‘Daddy Pig’, in front of his colleagues.

4/ You’ve forgotten your PIN number but thanks to Mr Tumble you can do the sign for cash machine and an interpretive dance for “how am I meant to buy chicken dippers now?”

5/ You’re out on your own with adults, drinking wine – yet you’re bobbing your leg up and down as though you’re soothing a baby and you’ve got “show me, show me” mixed with “I love Woolly and woolly loves me” going round and round inside your head.

6/ You call up your energy supplier to complain and when they apologise you say “it’s ok. it’s not a big thing. It’s a Bing thing.”

7/ You give your friend a hug and can’t help but tap her back several times in case she’s holding a burp in.

8/ You’ve been reading your child a story involving a sheep. You are hamming it up with all the enthusiasm of Jim Carey and are delivering lines like Brian Blessed. You are doing your best ‘she.e.e.ee.ee.eeep’ voice. Your child fell asleep five minutes ago.

9/ Your children’s names are interchangeable and are also apparently the names of your husband, mother, the big issue lady and the check out lad in the co-op.

10/ The bin men / women come. You stand at your front door waving to them all and shouting “Truuuck!!” Both your children are with their grandparents.

.

 

 

The Teething Rap

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The Teething Rap

(Beatbox)

Got so many chew toys gonna call you Rover

when will this fresh teething Hell be over?

You scream all day

You look so glum

Gotta go figure it’s your mother fudging gums

Been tryin Calpol and all types of anaesthetic

Neurofen, granuals and a mild antiseptic

It don’t half hurt when you clamp down on my finger

and this lack of sleep is makin Mum a minger

I’m sorry you’re going through this oral Hell

Have some more of this ruddy teething gel

Current occupation is to dribble, chew and gnaw

your cheeks are red and my ears are so sore

so F#ck those incisors

F#ck those teeth

we ain’t gonna wail about what lies beneath

I can’t take much more

and I’ve got a horrible idea

first comes the flushed cheeks

next comes the diarrhoea

Trust.

 

Brows on fleek at Brows by Fran

Brows by Fran

I first met Fran in Leeds when she worked at a well known make up brand’s brow bar. I braced myself for the lottery you get when you go for a wax and tint. I have been left in the past with lop sided brows, brows that resemble Noel Gallagher’s, a true Scouse brow – and worse than all of these; brows that looked exactly the same as they did when I went in.

Brows by Fran
The amazing Fran

Fran is the sort of person you meet and within two minutes you feel like you’ve known her for ten years and you get through your entire life story in the consultation. As well as her cracking personality I can whole heartedly swear that my eyebrows have never ever looked as fantastic as when she had got her hands on them.

I am naturally fair haired and have barely there eyebrows. If I have been in the sun they get bleached and basically disappear. I was also an over-plucker in my teens so my eyebrows have never been my strong point.

For the first time in my life people were complimenting me on my brows.

As a busy mum I don’t get much time to do my make (or my hair, or to wash) so having good eyebrows make all the difference. And when I say they make all the difference – I am not exaggerating. I think they frame your face and are the most important part of your make up routine.

I continued to go to Fran and only Fran for years. I made the mistake of going to an extremely expensive local salon on one occasion and had to go back to Fran the day afterwards to correct their mistakes.

I genuinely won’t trust anyone else with my eyebrows now. It’s just like when you find an amazing hairdresser and you won’t go anywhere else.

So when she said she was setting up on her own in Bradford I had to follow her there. She has set up her own brow bar in Bradford in a hair salon about three minutes walk from the train station : Brows by Fran!

She did my eyebrows for my wedding a month ago – as well as my lip hair (well, my moustache – I’m not fooling anyone). She is also offering make overs.

Top left: original brows top right: after tint and wax bottom two: styling them out with make up
Top left: original brows top right: after tint and wax
bottom two: styling them out with make up

Fran says about her background

“I qualified as a beautician four years ago and even in college I just seemed to have a knack for eyebrows. After a stint on cruise ships I found my home at one of the leading brow bar cosmetic company’s in the UK; a perfect job. I worked there for two and half years becoming a brow ambassador for the brand and training new “browticians”, and managers in all things eyebrow, and

“I think I have genuinely just found my niche.”

And about going it alone:

“I felt like I needed a challenge and I wanted to combine both eyebrows and make overs, besides, who wouldn’t love an opportunity at being their own boss? I genuinely love my job, it’s fills me with joy when I see the look on a customer’s face when I’ve finished their eyebrows or make up, smiling from ear to ear.”

And her philosophy:

“It’s not just ‘doing eyebrows’, it’s tailoring those eyebrows to each individual person, it’s listening to what that person wants to achieve.”

“It’s making sure that the customer knows what’s going to happen and isn’t scared or worried. It’s reassuring that customer and making them feel comfortable with me.”

“Eyebrows are a huge part of fashion and are so important and personal to every individual. To me, It’s not just a job it’s a passion.

If you are in the Yorkshire area I highly recommend Brows by Fran; to get your eyebrows on fleek and to make a new friend.

 

You can find Brows by Fran and all her details on Facebook! Hop on over and give her a ‘like’.

Brows by Fran, Bradford
I need a make over like this – by this lady

 

If you have a business in Yorkshire you would like me to review please get in contact at mummyswritingdarling@yahoo.co.uk

Disclaimer: I was not paid for this review.

 

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When I see a parent scowl

Mummy's Writing Darling

When I see a parent

scowl in my direction

I ask myself a simple set

of essential questions:

do they have Weetabix up their nose

or porridge in their ear?

do they have their bra on inside out

or some Lego shrapnel up their rear?

have they failed at ‘Dry January’

or are desperate for a cig?

are they fed up to the back teeth

of being called mummy pig?

Is their baby teething?

howling through the night?

do they have an uneasy feeling

that bath time will be a fight?

are they so exhausted

they could weep an ocean?

is their only specialist subject

The morals in fucking ‘Frozen’?

Did they have cold fish fingers

and Gin for their dinner?

and despite skipping breakfast

they’re not getting any thinner.

has their toddler started hitting

just to get their attention?

is the weather mostly spitting

and they’ve not had sex since the conception?

and I decide yes – that’s the reason

they’re scowling at me,

and I scowl right back

in solidarity.

 

When one child becomes two

second child

1/ The noise level in your house will double. At night you’ll find yourself lying awake appreciating the small pockets of silence you get because your ears will ache. Remember when the baby would stop screaming and you could have a few minutes peace? Well now you have an older professional ‘waker upper’ in the house who might as well be walking up and down with enormous comedy cymbols belting out a Mariah Carey power ballad.

2/ The shit level in your house will double. Shit, shit everywhere. You’re running some sort of shit relay race. Your house will smell like shit. You’ll need more wipes. Secure sponsorship deal with wipes brand before baby number two to save you thousands of pounds. Make an under the table deal right now with bin men / women so that they will take an extra four bin bags each fortnight – warn them they will smell of shit.

3/ Your exhaustion will double. You’ll be utterly exhausted. You’ll be so tired you could cry. You find yourself just getting on with it because there’s no other choice. People will regularly say “are you ok? You look shattered.”

4/ You’ll have less time to eat. So you will eat less. But you’ll drink more – so the calories even out.

5/ Your mother guilt will double. Now you’re not just the inadequate mother of one – but of two. And today you didn’t give child A enough attention because of child B. And vice Versa. And repeat.

6/ You’ll work better as a team with your partner. If I was into sport in any way I could probably insert a great sports analogy here about two people playing against one versus two people playing with two – but I can’t and I’m too exhausted. But let’s just say it seems to work much better when you have one each to take care of. And there seems to be less fights about me having to always pass the ball (I tried!)

7/ Child B may not be anything like child A. They may be a completely new personality – and temperament so don’t think “Oh wouldn’t it be great to have another A”. Cause B is a whole new ball game (sports reference! Get me!) and you’ll have multiple discussions (fights) with your other half about who child B takes after. His current money is on the postman.

8/ It’ll be easier (the baby thing) than the first time but in many ways harder. You’ll know which way round to hold them but you’ll also not have the luxury of it just being you two. You’ll have to do all the very difficult baby stuff whilst looking after a very difficult precious first born (in my case, a toddler).

9/ You’ll forget how old they are. When people ask you’ll say “hmm…. Like… Maybe 4 months?” They will look at you in disgust. You’re not really counting anymore, you haven’t got time – all you know is, they’re not crawling yet thank Christ.

10/ You’ll want another child… and then not. You’ll swing violently between wanting another child (when they are being sweet together or have slept a couple of hours) and never ever ever wanting to even meet eyes with your partner just in case.
11/ Your confidence will take a knock. Going out alone with them will once again seem impossible. Remember how you finally mastered going out / eating out with a child, got all confident about it? Well, you’re back to square one! How am I meant to do this with two?

12/ Your heart will break. It’ll feel like they (the new addition) were never not here and never not a part of your family. There will be moments when they look at each other or interact that will be so utterly beautiful it’ll make your heart break into two and then rush back together again.